I don’t know about you, but I get a LOT of email.  Actually, I’m sure you do too.  Even my 10 year old gets a lot of email.  I am so grateful to belong to some amazing groups and to be on some teams that are doing cool work together.  But, I am not grateful to be on distribution lists that I don’t need to be on.  Here are some things to consider that can help minimize the noise in YOUR inbox:

To: Perfect for sending to one to five people who all have each other’s email addresses and know each other.

CC: Distribution lists are a great way to quickly communicate with a group of people, to make an invitation or to get some quick support or feedback.  When sending emails, only include the people who actually need to be on the list.  Don’t include the whole board just because they’re there and it makes you feel important to send an email to a dozen people.

BCC: If the people you are emailing don’t know each other and/or don’t need all the RSVPs, questions and responses that you are requesting, use BCC to keep their emails private.

Subject: PLEASE use a UNIQUE subject in your emails.  I can not tell you how many emails I get where the subject is the name of the group.  Please indicate specifically what your email is about in the subject line.  You are more likely to get a quick response.

Reply: When you reply to an email, you don’t necessarily need to change the subject.  However, when that email ends up going back and forth 10 times, it is helpful to change the subject as the subject changes.  Just notice when it might be helpful to change the subject instead of assuming that you don’t need to.

Reply All: THINK about it, before you hit “Reply All.”  That’s all I’m asking.  If you think I need to know, then include me.  But, if you just want me to see how clever or smart or supportive you are, I already know.  Simply reply directly to the person that needs your answer.  Please don’t tell me that you, too, will be at the board meeting tomorrow night.  I’ll see you there.

Edit: Please do everyone a favor and re-read your words before you send them.  If you aren’t a strong speller and you don’t want to look like an idiot, use spell check.  It’s built in.

Send: If you aren’t 100% sure that it’s a good idea to hit send, then hit “Save as Draft” and walk away for an hour (or over night).  It is not a good idea to send email when you are sad, mad, frustrated, PMS, just got off a long flight or when you have been drinking.  Save yourself some trouble and think before you “Send.”

Improving what you send and how you send it will improve the quality of what you get back.  People will do what you do.  Let’s start a trend of being a little more conscientious with our emails.

As a coach, I specialize in asking powerful questions.  Actually, in coach training, it’s something we focus on.  As a parent, I know that asking better questions, gets you better answers. My kids actually have my permission to remind me to, “Ask a better question!”

Here are some tips for asking great questions (and getting great answers):

• Ask open ended questions – questions that can not be answered with one or two words.
• Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to – If you know the answer, it isn’t really a question.  Example, “How was 1st period today?” when you know your teenager ditched school.
• Try to limit your question to 5-7 words.  People get confused and lose track of what you’re asking them if you include too much information.  Give the information first, if information is necessary, and then ask your question.  For example, “The school called and said you weren’t in first period.  Where were you?”
• Don’t ask leading questions – If you already know the answer you are trying to lead someone to, just tell them the answer and then ask them a question that you don’t know the answer to.  Example, “What support do you need to reach your goals?” is a leading question a lot of coaches ask trying to lead people to the answer “I need to hire a coach.”  It can feel manipulative and it’s not as interesting as “What’s the next step you need to take to reach your goal?”  It might not be to hire a coach.  In fact, it seldom is.
• Don’t ask Yes or No questions unless you will be satisfied with “Yes” or “No” as the answer.
• Try to avoid questions that don’t have a good answer.  “What were you thinking?” isn’t really a good question. Neither is “Why did Andrew get a soda and I didn’t?”  In this situation, I tell my kids to ask me a better question.  Something like, “Can I have a soda?”

So, in the spirit of asking great questions, here’s one for you to ask yourself as you are thinking about what questions you want to ask:

“What are you curious about?”

I love Facebook!  I know I’ve told you that already!  And, I still love it!  Lately, I’ve had a lot of clients and friends asking me what tips I could give them to have more fun on Facebook.   Here are some tips:

Socialize! This seems pretty obvious to me since it’s called “Social Media.”  The point is to give you a place to socialize.  Stop your voyeuristic lurking and talk to people.  Get involved!  When you see something you like, “Like” it.  When you see a conversation going on, add to it.  I am (right here and right now) giving you all permission to talk to me and comment on my posts.  I assume that anyone that is “friends” with me on Facebook is giving me permission to talk to them and get to know them better.

“Like” It! This is an easy way to let someone know you are paying attention to what they’re posting and noticing what they’re up to.  It is very safe and doesn’t require you to be creative or expose anything more than your alignment with someone’s thought, idea or contribution.

Ask Questions! This is a great way to get people to talk to you and to get to know people better.  It is super fun to have a bunch of people respond to your post and to get a great conversation started.  You do not need to be a creative genius to know what questions to ask.  Ask anything you want to know.  Facebook is full of amazing resources and incredible talent (like you)!  It’s also a great way to do market research – and it’s fast and free.  You want to know what people want?  Ask them!  Avoid being solicitous.  People aren’t as excited about what you can do for them as they are about what they can do for you.  Also avoid yes/no questions – “yes, yes, no, no, yes” is a boring conversation and people won’t participate.  I’ll write another article on tips for asking winning questions on Facebook another day.

Listen! We all have those Facebook friends who only post their upcoming event, teleclass and specials.  Nobody is really interested in talking to people who never talk to them.  Don’t just go on and post stuff.  Do read what other people post and make comments.  I use lists to help me manage all my friends.  See “How to Avoid Bad Behavior on Facebook” for more information on using lists.

Quotes. As a coach, one of my goals is to inspire people.  I find inspirational quotes to be a good way to do that.  People don’t always comment on quotes.  People often “like” quotes.  So, don’t post more than one or two a day or people will start ignoring you.

Variety. Actually, people will start ignoring you any time your posts become predictable and the same.  There is only ONE exception I’ve see to this and it’s my girlfriend who writes the same basic “Coffee, Coffee, dippin’ nillas … ” and then whatever else she’s got going on that day.  It’s the same thing every day, but it’s different.  Let me tell you what I know – it’s the different part that’s working, so mix it up!  And, Nicole, if you’re reading… don’t change it now!  It’s part of your brand and people have come to expect if from you.

Birthday Greetings. Facebook makes it really easy to know when your friends’ birthdays are.  Go to their page and say “Happy Birthday!”  People like it when you remember their birthday.

Tips From Your Area of Expertise. Now, I am not assuming that everyone on Facebook has their own business or is an entepreneur.  I am assuming that everyone has stuff they’re good at and things that they have a lot of experience with.  For example, I’m a coach – I give a lot of positive encouragement and ask people good, thought provoking questions.  I’m also a wife, a mother, a long time resident of my local community,  an avid reader, a pitbull owner, a foodie, a retired colon hydrotherapist, a retired chemist, a graduate of UCLA, etc.  You get the picture.  YOU have a lot to offer people.  Share your wisdom and knowledge.  If you found a deal on cashmere sweaters, tell people about it!  I want to know!

Social Proof. While everyone isn’t promoting their business or a cause, many people on Facebook are.  Whether you are or not, you are probably “up to” something cool in the world.  Tell people what you’re up to.  Post what you’re doing if you’re going to a networking lunch, speaking at an event, attending an event, connecting with some cool people, going on a date with your honey, walking your dogs, playing with your kids, going to a movie, making your grandmother’s favorite cookies or whatever.  Telling people about it helps people to know, like and trust you.  I helps people to know what you’re up to and what they can ask you about in the future.

Share. If you see something you like, share it!  If someone posts a quote, a question, a video, a link, a picture or anything else you like and you think your friends will like, share it!  If you’re worried about “stealing” information or ideas, just give the proper credit.  Use @friend’sname to link your friends to the cool person who gave you the idea, resource or whatever.  That person will like being linked to and looking like a rock star!

Promote your friends and your favorite cause. Tell people about the people that are helping you and that you are helping.  We all need some help and we all have some help to give.  Facebook gives us an easy way to connect the two.

Promote yourself. Okay, I am including this as the last thing.  It’s the last thing on my list because it is the last thing you should do.  If all you do on Facebook is promote yourself, nobody will listen.  If you do all these other things and then, occassionally, promote yourself, your friends will be happy to know what you are up to in the world.

Be authentic and real and talk to people.  Ask what you want to know and make a contribution.  Pretty much, get out there and have some fun!

Yes and No.  They are two of the first words we learn and they are simple and complete.  Wow, do we complicate them, though.

When do you…

Say Yes and do Yes. This is what most people think you mean when you say Yes.  They think that you will actually do what you say, when you say it and how you say that you’ll do it.  Yes means Yes.  When we say Yes and do yes people trust us and we trust ourselves.  We act in integrity.

Say Yes and do No. Sometimes we say Yes but do No.  We don’t do what we say.  There are so many things that this could mean.  It could mean that we meant to do what we said, but something got in the way and we have a really good excuse for not doing what we said we’d do.  It could be that we said Yes only because we thought that was the “right” thing to say and that we tried to talk ourselves into doing yes but just couldn’t.  We might resent the other person for asking – this is a big clue that we are saying yes when we mean no.  We might feel guilty – which is  a clue that we actually wanted to do yes but didn’t.  Normally, we are betraying ourselves or others in this situation.  The result is that people stop trusting you and/or you stop trusting yourself to do what you say you will do.

Say No and do No. Gosh this seems like a simple idea, right?  It is truly liberating to say No, mean No and do No.  Some of us have a hard time with this one.  Try it on.  No is a complete sentence.  You do not need a reason or an excuse to say No.  You do not need to justify your No.  If you feel like it lands too hard to just say No, try adding Thank you. No, thank you. Simple.  Complete.  People actually trust you and you begin to trust yourself when you say No and do No – when your No has integrity.

Say No and do Yes. This one is messed up and all too common.  We say No and then we give in and do Yes. Generally, we feel guilty or we get talked into something or we are afraid that people won’t like us/love us if we stick to our No.  The problem is that when we do this, we train other people not to respect our No.  We lose other’s respect and our self respect.  If you’re going to do Yes, say Yes.  If you’re going to do No, say No – and practice exercising your boundaries.

Exercises:

1. Say No when you mean No at least 3 times a day all week and stick to it.
2. Pause before you say Yes and make sure you mean it.
3. Notice when you say No, but do Yes and get curious about what is going on.
4. Notice when you say Yes, but do No and get curious about what is going on.

adapted from Alan Cohen

When a woman in the Bembe tribe of South Africa knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child.

They recognize that every soul has its own vibration, expression, and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

This song is sung at every important event of the child. When he or she is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life. In the Bembe tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child.

When a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days.

At the end, the song is sung again, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.

The tribe recognizes that the proper correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it.

Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.