Archive for November, 2009

Yesterday, I wrote about how to give a good compliment and I got a lot of feedback from people that what they want to hear more about is how to accept a compliment.  The short answer is this:  Say, “Thank You!”

Most of us are very grateful people, which would explain all the gratitude lists and gratitude journals and all the facebook posts about what we are grateful about.  We are also pretty generous with our compliments.  Ironically, we aren’t as good at accepting compliments, especially women.  We are so critical of ourselves that we often “push away” compliments.  We do this in several different ways.

1.  We invalidate the compliment.  We say, “Thanks, but …” or “This old thing?”

2.  We make a poor comparison.  We say, “Thank you, but yours is so much cuter.” or “Thanks, but I’m not as fast as I used to be.”

3.  We deflect the attention off of ourselves onto other people, especially the person who gives us the compliment.  We say, “Thanks so much, but I couldn’t have done it with out the help of…” or “Thanks.  But, really YOU are the one who looks great!”

Practice truly accepting compliments.  Stop telling your friends that they are liars and try believing them.  Stop invalidating their appreciation of your hard work and throwing their gift back at them.  Simply say, “Thank You.”  If you must add something, try actually adding to the compliment.  Here are a couple of examples:

Compliment:  “You look great!  Have you lost weight?”

Response:  “Thank you.  I’m trying to look my best.”  You don’t have to actually address your weight or your eating habits or admit that you’ve gained 5 pounds, but discovered Spanx.  Of course, any good girlfriend would dish about the Spanx.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it.

Compliment:  “Thank you so much for your hospitality!  Dinner was lovely.”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love throwing dinner parties.”  Do not tell your guest all the things that went wrong or were imperfect.  If you have to comment about the dinner, say what your favorite part was and offer a recipe.

Compliment:  “I love your purse!”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love it, too!”  Oh, this is the best kind – mutual appreciation.  Now everyone feels good.

Remember to Do It Like a Girl!  Lift up someone today by accepting their appreciation and graciously receiving their compliment.

A good compliment lifts a person’s spirits. Giving a compliment comes easily and naturally for some people and it feels difficult and awkward for others. It is simply a skill that takes practice to develop.

Here are some tips:

1.  Pay Attention. The first step is to take notice of other people. Notice how they look and how they make you feel. Pay attention to what they say.

2.  Be Specific. People like to be known and seen. A powerful compliment is specific, not general. Consider the impact. “You’re awesome” doesn’t compare to “You are so organized and I know I can always count on you.”

3.  Be Genuine. A compliment should always be genuine and authentic. Look for what you honestly like about a person. Tell the truth.

4.  Be Generous. Giving a compliment is inherently a generous practice. Don’t use this as an opportunity to compare behavior that you like to behavior that you don’t. Keep your compliments clean and avoid offering them with corrections and comparisons. “I like your hair this color so much better than red” is actually an insult, not a compliment.

5.  Acknowledge. The most powerful compliments acknowledge who a person is and who they are becoming. Use this language, “You are…”

6.  Champion. Be a cheerleader. Let people know that you believe in them. Use this language, “I know …”

7.  Be Concise. A compliment can lose it’s impact if it is surrounded by explanations and justifications. Keep it brief, simple and direct.

8.  Let it Land. Don’t rush to the next thing. Allow your compliment to be received. Generally people will say, “Thank you.” Sometimes a person will push a compliment away by belittling themselves or minimizing their contribution. Gently repeat the compliment.

9.  Practice. Practice giving AND receiving compliments. Give at least 5 compliments every day. When someone gives you a compliment, simply say, “Thank you.”

If you want something done, ask a happy, busy person to do it for you!

You all know this girl (in fact, you probably ARE this girl) who seems to get more done than everyone else and always seems happy about it.  Sure, she’s busy and optimistic.  But, really, doesn’t anything bad ever happen to her?  Doesn’t she ever have a bad day?  The answer is YES!

The difference is that positive people don’t wallow around in their problems or spend a lot of time worrying about (and complaining about) things that they can’t do anything about.  They find what they can do and they do it.  When presented with a problem, they look for the solution.  What’s that quote?

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

I had to look it up.  I didn’t just know it.  Even though, if I didn’t tell you, you’d probably think I did.  A productive person goes and finds the answer – now.  She knows that “one day” is not a day of the week and she knows that the only time she has is NOW.  She doesn’t have any more hours in the day than any one else.

She doesn’t have to sacrifice her family, her relationships or her self care routines in order to be productive. In fact, she is probably better at keeping up with those things, finds time to play games with her kids, connect with her husband, travel and go out with her girlfriends.

She likely manages her time with a structure, whether it be a calendar or a planner or a “tickler file” (that one is for you, Tera McHugh).  Talk about it and it is a fantasy, schedule it and it becomes a reality.  I tell people all the time, “I just do what my calendar says.”  If my calendar says that it’s time to workout, well… I’m going to go work out.  If my calendar says it’s time to make follow up calls, then that’s what I do.  If I run into a conflict or I don’t feel like it, I move it to a more convenient time.  I don’t cancel!

Being positive and productive is a choice.  It is simply a set of habits that get repeated over and over again.  It doesn’t mean you won’t have problems and that you won’t have bad days.  It does mean that you (and everyone around you, for that matter) will feel a whole lot better about it.

Mother Teresa

No matter your politics or your religion, most people recognize Mother Teresa as a great woman.  Her life and her work celebrate the simple joy of loving, the greatness and dignity of all people and the value of doing little things faithfully and with love.  She inspires me in so many ways, but most notably by being a leader in the world who affected change with one small action at time.  The legacy she leaves us is the knowledge that small things matter and that everyone has something to contribute.  Everyone.  She said, “Do not wait for leaders.  Do it alone, person to person.”  What she may not recognize, in her humility, is that this is actually true leadership.  And this is the kind of leader that Mother Teresa was.  This reminds me to let go of the details and simply do the work that is in front of me now.  She also told us, “We can not do great things.  We can only do small things with great love.”  She reminds us that a smile heals and it is ours to give.  Smile at someone today.  She reminds us to love our neighbors, really.  For many of us, that means getting to know our neighbors.  And, with the holidays approaching, I also like to remember that Mother Teresa said, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.”  It is a small act of kindness and humanity and it is something tangible that we can all do.

I was thrilled to get up this morning and realize that I get an extra hour today due to Daylight Saving Time!  I felt so motivated like I could get so much extra stuff done today.  I started by going grocery shopping before breakfast.  Then I decided to update my website.  I also took a break to workout.  I played a game with the kids this afternoon and created a new facebook fan page.  So, all in all, I spent at least 6 “extra” hours today doing things that I wouldn’t normally do on a Sunday because I perceived that I had “so much extra time”.

It made me realize that I can always make time to do the things that I want to do and that there is plenty of time in the day when I’m looking for it.  It reminded me of the concept of NET Time.  NET stands for “No Extra Time”.  I have this practice of “creating” time by using NET time.  It’s just a fancy kind of multi-tasking with intention.  I listen to motivational or educational CDs in the car, especially in traffic.  I make personal phone calls while doing the dishes or laundry.  It helps me feel more productive and to justify “hanging out” with my girlfriends on the phone and it makes otherwise dull chores something I look forward to.

So, what did you do with your extra hour today?  What would you do if you had an extra hour every day?  Where can you find an extra hour in your day to do just that?