Archive for March, 2010

I bet you have some problems.  It’s pretty much the human condition.  Most of us, myself included, tend to have this belief that if we do everything right and live a good life, then we won’t have any problems.  Well, that’s really an unrealistic fantasy.  Imagine how boring and stagnant your life would be if you never had any problems.  I know, I know.  I don’t mind having problems, I just wish I had better quality problems.  But, if we could pick and chose our problems and when and how they present themselves, we probably wouldn’t call them problems – they’d be part of our education or something like that.

Embrace your problems.  Successful people tend to expect problems, plan for them and have strategies for solving them.  Anthony Robbins is one of my teachers and mentors and I love keeping myself in front of his work.  He recently offered these 6 Questions for Solving Problems at his Business Mastery program:

1. What’s great about this?  What else is great about this?
2. What can I learn from this?  What else can I learn from this?
3. What’s not perfect yet?  What else isn’t perfect yet?
4. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
5. What am I willing to stop doing to make it the way I want it?
6. How can I enjoy the process?

You probably see where I get my habit of calling 12 questions, 6.  Haha.  Here’s one bonus question that I offer for you to add to your problem solving tool kit:

1. What opportunities do I now have that I didn’t have before now?

Have fun solving your problems and remember that coaches love to support you in your problem solving efforts.  We have hundreds of questions just like this that we keep in our tool kit to help you.

If you have a problem that you’d like some coaching on, try my Problem Solving Package – Two 30 Minute Coaching Sessions for you to use as you’d like without any long term contracts or agreements.  Call my office 661-255-2100, email me , or text my cell 661-755-3242 to set up an appointment.

The Arbinger Institute has coined the phrase “being in the box” as a stuck, non-resourceful place of conflict with other people.  Sometimes it’s subtle and other times it’s obvious, but one thing is for sure:  you don’t want to be in the box!  Being in the box is simply a way of dehumanizing others and objectifying them to justify your “in the box”ness.

In their books, “Leadership and Self-Deception” and “The Anatomy of Peace”, the Arbinger Institute describes four main ways that we tend to “be in the box” toward others:

1.  The Better-Than Box

• View of Myself:  Superior, Important, Virtuous, Right
• View of Others:  Inferior, Incapable, Irrelevant, False, Wrong
• Feelings:  Impatient, Disdainful, Indifferent
• View of the World:  Competitive, Troubled, Needs Me

2.  The I-Deserve Box

• View of Myself:  Meritorious, Mistreated, Victim, Unappreciated
• View of Others:  Mistaken, Mistreating, Ungrateful
• Feelings:  Entitled, Deprived, Resentful
• View of the World:  Unfair, Unjust, Owes Me

3.  The Must-Be-Seen-As Box

• View of Myself:  Nee to be well thought of, Fake
• View of Others:  Judgmental, Threatening, My Audience
• Feelings:  Anxious, Afraid, Needy, Stressed, Overwhelmed
• View of the World:  Dangerous, Watching, Judging Me

4.  The Worse-Than Box

• View of Myself:  Not as good, Broken, Deficient, Fated
• View of Others:  Advantaged, Privileged, Blessed
• Feelings:  Helpless, Jealous, Bitter, Depressed
• View of the World:  Hard, Difficult, Against me, Ignoring me

Now, I have to admit that I have two favorite boxes that I am very comfortable climbing into.  We all have at least one favorite or habitual box that we “get in” toward others.  The thing is, you know you don’t feel good in the box.  It’s easy to notice once you put your attention on it.

The Arbinger Institute also offers us a 3 Step Solution for Getting Out of the Box:

1.  Look for the signs of the box – blame, justification, horribilization (I didn’t make this word up, they did – but I love it!), common box feelings and views of self, others and the world.

2.  Find an “out of the box” place – an out of the box relationship (coaches are great examples of this type of relationship), an out of the box place (spa, beach, bath tub, etc), an out of the box activity (exercise, listening to music, reading, etc), or an out of the box memory (especially one of the person you are currently in the box toward).

3.  Ponder the situation anew and ask some of the following questions:

• What are this person’s challenges, trials, burdens and pains?
• How am I adding to them?
• In what other ways have I neglected or mistreated this person?
• In what ways are my boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?
• What am I feeling like I should do to help?  What could I do to help?

I love the Arbinger Work and it’s hard to sufficiently cover it in 50o words or less.  I highly recommend their books and programs.  I’ve been studying it and practicing it for over a year and I still find myself in the box (afterall, it’s the human condition).  What I can tell you is that it is sometimes easier than others to get out of the box.  Sometimes I know I’m in the box and I am perfectly happy being there and I’m looking to recruit people to join me in my box.  That’s when it’s helpful to have a coach.

One of the best relationship tools that I consistently recommend to my clients over and over again is the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  The main idea is that there five main ways that we give and receive love and most of us have one or two ways that are specific for us.  What happens when one person gives love one way and the other gives love another way is that neither feel loved.  The real strength of this book is the Assessment Tool at the end that allows you to discover the love languages of yourself, your hunny and, even, your kids.  Once you know what “channels” your loved ones operate on, it makes it easier to show them love the way they naturally receive it and to appreciate when they are showing you love.  It’s likely you can “assess” yourself and your loved ones without a tool, just by familiarizing yourself with The Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages:

1.  Words of Affirmation – compliments, encouragement, kind words, love letters, love notes, text messages, emails, phone calls, conversations, etc.

2.  Quality Time – togetherness, quality conversations, active listening, shared experiences, quality activities, meals together, hanging out, weekend getaways,etc.

3.  Receiving Gifts – candy, flowers, jewelry, remembering something special from the store, coffee, cologne, symbolic gifts (this reminds me of you because…), handmade originals, the gift of your presence, a book, a plant, etc.  These things don’t necessarily have to cost a lot of money.  It’s normally the thought that’s more important than the actual gift.

4.  Acts of Service – household chores, the “Hunny-Do List”, a special meal, washing the car, cleaning up the yard, making the bed, running errands, doing the laundry, caring for you when you are sick, carrying in the groceries, opening a door, etc.  Again, it can be small little, conscious acts.  They don’t always have to be performed by you, either.  If you simply orchestrate them (take the responsibility for hiring and managing the yard work, for example), that will “count”.

5.  Physical Touch – holding hands, simple touch, hugs, kisses, eye contact, foot/shoulder massage, running a bath, initiating sex, public displays of affection (hand holding, simple touches, etc), hugs and kisses hello and goodbye, etc.  Often we reduce physical touch to sex and it is so much more than that.  Our men, stereotypically, need physical touch and we can make the mistake of thinking that is all about sex.  Experiment with some new ways of expressing your love through physical touch.

This is just a very basic description and outline of Chapman’s book.  I highly recommend that you read it or find more information online.

I’ve been doing the Body For Life program for two weeks and I’ve lost 6.5 pounds so far.  While I love these result, what I love even more is the process.  Every night, I answer four simple questions before I go to bed.  These questions have applications far beyond an eating and exercise plan and would be great questions for you to ask yourself on a daily basis as you move toward what you want most in your life, whether that’s health and fitness, love and romance, money and success or what ever else you can dream up.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day:

1. What are 3 things that I did great today that helped me move toward my goal(s)?
2. What is one thing that I can do even better tomorrow?
3. What are five things I can do in the next 24 hours to move me toward my goal(s)?
4. What are two things I can do in the next 24 hours to support and encourage others?

While it is great to simply ask yourself these questions, it’s even better to actually answer them – every day!  And while it’s great to answer them, it’s even more powerful if you WRITE down those answers.  So grab a pretty journal and get to it!  And if you miss a day, don’t sweat it.  Just get right back on the next day.  And please pop back and let me know what you think and how you’re doing!

As much as I love Galinda and love being “popular”, this video makes me think of all the coaches, consultants and gurus out there who are promising to make you popular for a price.  Their plan is to take you and your business from being a green brunette, like Elphaba, and turn it into a shallow blonde (I use this term affectionately, haha) by doing exactly what they do whether you like it or not.

Here’s the thing.  Marketing is, indeed, about being popular.  It is essentially and simply telling people what you do over and over and over and over, wash, rinse, repeat.  And, sales is getting the people who know about you to buy from you.  Period.  There are a lot of ways to go about that.  You can do networking, refine your elevator speech, stop using an elevator speech, send brochures to your target market, write a blog, make cold calls, throw parties and on and on.  The thing about marketing, though, is that it needs to be about being and becoming more of yourself.  It shouldn’t be about trying to be someone else or following some magical plan that promises to make you popular.  If you’re green, you need to embrace being green and show off how special being green is so that you can reach your clients who need you to be green.

If you want some help developing your marketing plan that embraces who you are and what you’re about, check out  Get Clients NOW! It’s a program for creating a simple and effective plan with action items that you will do and that you love doing in order to increase your visibility with your target market and get more clients, now!  And if you just want to be more popular, I can help you with that, too!