One of the best relationship tools that I consistently recommend to my clients over and over again is the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  The main idea is that there five main ways that we give and receive love and most of us have one or two ways that are specific for us.  What happens when one person gives love one way and the other gives love another way is that neither feel loved.  The real strength of this book is the Assessment Tool at the end that allows you to discover the love languages of yourself, your hunny and, even, your kids.  Once you know what “channels” your loved ones operate on, it makes it easier to show them love the way they naturally receive it and to appreciate when they are showing you love.  It’s likely you can “assess” yourself and your loved ones without a tool, just by familiarizing yourself with The Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages:

1.  Words of Affirmation – compliments, encouragement, kind words, love letters, love notes, text messages, emails, phone calls, conversations, etc.

2.  Quality Time – togetherness, quality conversations, active listening, shared experiences, quality activities, meals together, hanging out, weekend getaways,etc.

3.  Receiving Gifts – candy, flowers, jewelry, remembering something special from the store, coffee, cologne, symbolic gifts (this reminds me of you because…), handmade originals, the gift of your presence, a book, a plant, etc.  These things don’t necessarily have to cost a lot of money.  It’s normally the thought that’s more important than the actual gift.

4.  Acts of Service – household chores, the “Hunny-Do List”, a special meal, washing the car, cleaning up the yard, making the bed, running errands, doing the laundry, caring for you when you are sick, carrying in the groceries, opening a door, etc.  Again, it can be small little, conscious acts.  They don’t always have to be performed by you, either.  If you simply orchestrate them (take the responsibility for hiring and managing the yard work, for example), that will “count”.

5.  Physical Touch – holding hands, simple touch, hugs, kisses, eye contact, foot/shoulder massage, running a bath, initiating sex, public displays of affection (hand holding, simple touches, etc), hugs and kisses hello and goodbye, etc.  Often we reduce physical touch to sex and it is so much more than that.  Our men, stereotypically, need physical touch and we can make the mistake of thinking that is all about sex.  Experiment with some new ways of expressing your love through physical touch.

This is just a very basic description and outline of Chapman’s book.  I highly recommend that you read it or find more information online.

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