Posts Tagged ‘affirmations’

Yesterday, I wrote about how to give a good compliment and I got a lot of feedback from people that what they want to hear more about is how to accept a compliment.  The short answer is this:  Say, “Thank You!”

Most of us are very grateful people, which would explain all the gratitude lists and gratitude journals and all the facebook posts about what we are grateful about.  We are also pretty generous with our compliments.  Ironically, we aren’t as good at accepting compliments, especially women.  We are so critical of ourselves that we often “push away” compliments.  We do this in several different ways.

1.  We invalidate the compliment.  We say, “Thanks, but …” or “This old thing?”

2.  We make a poor comparison.  We say, “Thank you, but yours is so much cuter.” or “Thanks, but I’m not as fast as I used to be.”

3.  We deflect the attention off of ourselves onto other people, especially the person who gives us the compliment.  We say, “Thanks so much, but I couldn’t have done it with out the help of…” or “Thanks.  But, really YOU are the one who looks great!”

Practice truly accepting compliments.  Stop telling your friends that they are liars and try believing them.  Stop invalidating their appreciation of your hard work and throwing their gift back at them.  Simply say, “Thank You.”  If you must add something, try actually adding to the compliment.  Here are a couple of examples:

Compliment:  “You look great!  Have you lost weight?”

Response:  “Thank you.  I’m trying to look my best.”  You don’t have to actually address your weight or your eating habits or admit that you’ve gained 5 pounds, but discovered Spanx.  Of course, any good girlfriend would dish about the Spanx.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it.

Compliment:  “Thank you so much for your hospitality!  Dinner was lovely.”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love throwing dinner parties.”  Do not tell your guest all the things that went wrong or were imperfect.  If you have to comment about the dinner, say what your favorite part was and offer a recipe.

Compliment:  “I love your purse!”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love it, too!”  Oh, this is the best kind – mutual appreciation.  Now everyone feels good.

Remember to Do It Like a Girl!  Lift up someone today by accepting their appreciation and graciously receiving their compliment.

A good compliment lifts a person’s spirits. Giving a compliment comes easily and naturally for some people and it feels difficult and awkward for others. It is simply a skill that takes practice to develop.

Here are some tips:

1.  Pay Attention. The first step is to take notice of other people. Notice how they look and how they make you feel. Pay attention to what they say.

2.  Be Specific. People like to be known and seen. A powerful compliment is specific, not general. Consider the impact. “You’re awesome” doesn’t compare to “You are so organized and I know I can always count on you.”

3.  Be Genuine. A compliment should always be genuine and authentic. Look for what you honestly like about a person. Tell the truth.

4.  Be Generous. Giving a compliment is inherently a generous practice. Don’t use this as an opportunity to compare behavior that you like to behavior that you don’t. Keep your compliments clean and avoid offering them with corrections and comparisons. “I like your hair this color so much better than red” is actually an insult, not a compliment.

5.  Acknowledge. The most powerful compliments acknowledge who a person is and who they are becoming. Use this language, “You are…”

6.  Champion. Be a cheerleader. Let people know that you believe in them. Use this language, “I know …”

7.  Be Concise. A compliment can lose it’s impact if it is surrounded by explanations and justifications. Keep it brief, simple and direct.

8.  Let it Land. Don’t rush to the next thing. Allow your compliment to be received. Generally people will say, “Thank you.” Sometimes a person will push a compliment away by belittling themselves or minimizing their contribution. Gently repeat the compliment.

9.  Practice. Practice giving AND receiving compliments. Give at least 5 compliments every day. When someone gives you a compliment, simply say, “Thank you.”

We live in a culture of commercial advertising that tells us if you have a particular thing it will make you feel a particular way. For example, if you buy a new car, you will be happy, successful, or a good provider. If you have an airbrushed perfect body, then you will be sexy, happy and in a great relationship. The idea that having anything will cause you to feel or be a particular way is an advertising trap and a false cultural belief. Rather than having something in order to do things that will ultimately make you happy, choose to be happy, do the things that result from that decision and see what you get as a result. Another example is health: we tend to believe that in order to be healthy, we need to do certain things (and not do others) and then we will have health. The opposite is actually true. When you choose to be healthy, you will do healthy things and then you will have health. So, the real challenge is how to BE.

BEing is a choice. You can choose to be happy, healthy, abundant, sexy, friendly, etc. Making a choice to be is always the first step. Affirmations are helpful for practicing BEing. An affirmation is a positive expression, stated in the positive that is true and believable. A health affirmation might be: “I love how it feels to be healthy and fit.” An affirmation for abundance could be: “I have a rich and abundant life.” Make sure your affirmations are believable and inspirational. Practice being and feeling how you want to be and feel several times each day for at least five minutes. Stand like you’d stand, breathe like you’d breathe, move like you’d move in order to be. Be, then do, and then you will have.

Carrie Kish is a life coach who helps people develop practices for BEing, so that they can do less and have more. For more information, visit www.CarrieKish.com or call 661.255.2100.