Posts Tagged ‘Do It Like a Girl’

Okay, you got me.  I don’t really “hate” much of anything about anything.  But, I do sometimes get frustrated with coaching.  As a client, sometimes I just want my coach to TELL me what to do.  Well, guess what?  That’s not coaching.  That’s consulting.  Fortunately, I have a coach who offers a little bit of coaching and mentoring, too.  So what’s the difference?

Coaching starts with the assumption that you are naturally creative resourceful and whole and that you actually have all the information that you need to make an informed decision and to effect positive change in your life.  The strength of coaching is being able to empower you to find that information and to help you set goals and build structures for accountability.  In coaching, the agenda comes from the client, and the coach helps to keep you focused on the present and on yourself.  Coaching can also be introspective and is very much about self discovery.  One of the foundational skills of coaching is asking questions.

Consulting starts with the assumption that the consultant knows something that you don’t know and that you want and need this information.  Generally, the consultant tells you what to do and you do it for the purpose of achieving some result or outcome. One of the foundational skills of consulting is answers or solutions.

Mentoring is about sharing experience.  Mentors generally offer a combination of coaching and consulting which results from their experience in your field.  They have likely made some mistakes and can help you avoid making them.  They generally have relevant experience to share that points you in the direction that you want to go.  One of the foundational skills of mentoring is story telling.

Coaching has become very popular.  With that popularity, there has been some confusion.  Many consultants and mentors are actually calling themselves coaches.  It’s not wrong or bad, but it is confusing.  Know what you want and know what you’re getting.  It doesn’t really matter if your consultant calls herself a Marketing Coach.  Do be aware of what you want, though, and make sure you’re getting it.

If you’re anything like me, most of you don’t need any more experts telling you what to do.  You probably know what to do, but you don’t do what you know.  You know you should have an ideal client and you know what kind of marketing activities you like to do best and you think there are other things that you “should” be doing, but you’re not.  Most of you don’t need to hire someone else to tell you what else you “should” be doing.  The main benefit of coaching is that it helps you figure out what you really want, what you really want to do and how to give yourself permission to stop doing the things you “should” and just do the things you love in order to get the results that you are after.

If you like that idea, let me know.  I’d be happy to set you up with a sample session with me or another knock your socks off coach.

Most people wait until New Year’s to start contemplating the new year and setting resolutions and goals.  But, not the people that I hang out with.  You people are on fire!  It’s barely December and everyone I know is beginning to make some assessment of 2009 and some plans for 2010.  I have a process that I run through at the end of each year and I thought I’d share it with you.  They are my Ten Questions for Spectacular Direction:

1. What did I accomplish this year?
2. What were my biggest disappointments?
3. What did I learn?
4. What 10 things do I do that I love to do?
5. What 10 things do I do that I don’t love to do?  How can I stop doing some of these things?
6. What roles do I play in my life?  For help, look at these areas and determine which roles you play:  career, money, health & fitness, love life, friends & family, personal & spiritual development, environment, and fun& recreation.  I use sassy titles like “Mother of the Year” instead of “Mom” and “God’s Girl” instead of “Confirmation Teacher” and “The Woman of His Dreams” instead of “Wife” and “The Girl Everyone is Talking About” instead of “networker.”  We all play so many roles in our lives.  Consolidate them a little, make about 8 “Title Roles” and list the sub roles underneath them.  For example:  “Mother of the Year” might have sub roles: chef, taxi driver, cheerleader, tutor, housekeeper, coach, personal shopper, librarian, gamer and ATM.  “The Best Coach in SCV” might have roles like “Coach, CTI Ambassador, ICF Board Member, WE Marketing Coordinator, blogger, networker, Get Clients Now facilitator, etc.”
7. What are my goals for each of my top 8 Roles?  Set SMART Goals:  specific, measurable, achievable, resonant, and thrilling (that might be a little different than the SMART goals you are accustomed to – I’ll write more about that another day).
8. What one or two roles are my major focus for next year?  What are my top 10 goals for next year?
9. What’s really most important to me?  What are my top 4 values that will get me the results I want next year?  I call these my “Cornerstones” and I “run” my decisions through them.
10. What support do I need to achieve my goals?  Education, resources, consulting, coaching, a buddy, a support system, etc.

Okay, I know that there are really more than ten questions on that list.  But, it’s worth it and you’re worth it.  It normally takes me about 3 hours to go through the process.  I write down all my answers and produce a lovely little one page summary that I hang on my wall all year, which I also give a sassy name (last year’s was “Sunshine 2009″, this year’s is “Win in 2010″).  As a reward, I normally treat myself to a vision board.  If I’ve done it right, my goals are a little breath taking and I treat myself to a glass of champagne to celebrate the success that I am starring in the face.

Yesterday, I wrote about how to give a good compliment and I got a lot of feedback from people that what they want to hear more about is how to accept a compliment.  The short answer is this:  Say, “Thank You!”

Most of us are very grateful people, which would explain all the gratitude lists and gratitude journals and all the facebook posts about what we are grateful about.  We are also pretty generous with our compliments.  Ironically, we aren’t as good at accepting compliments, especially women.  We are so critical of ourselves that we often “push away” compliments.  We do this in several different ways.

1.  We invalidate the compliment.  We say, “Thanks, but …” or “This old thing?”

2.  We make a poor comparison.  We say, “Thank you, but yours is so much cuter.” or “Thanks, but I’m not as fast as I used to be.”

3.  We deflect the attention off of ourselves onto other people, especially the person who gives us the compliment.  We say, “Thanks so much, but I couldn’t have done it with out the help of…” or “Thanks.  But, really YOU are the one who looks great!”

Practice truly accepting compliments.  Stop telling your friends that they are liars and try believing them.  Stop invalidating their appreciation of your hard work and throwing their gift back at them.  Simply say, “Thank You.”  If you must add something, try actually adding to the compliment.  Here are a couple of examples:

Compliment:  “You look great!  Have you lost weight?”

Response:  “Thank you.  I’m trying to look my best.”  You don’t have to actually address your weight or your eating habits or admit that you’ve gained 5 pounds, but discovered Spanx.  Of course, any good girlfriend would dish about the Spanx.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it.

Compliment:  “Thank you so much for your hospitality!  Dinner was lovely.”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love throwing dinner parties.”  Do not tell your guest all the things that went wrong or were imperfect.  If you have to comment about the dinner, say what your favorite part was and offer a recipe.

Compliment:  “I love your purse!”

Response:  “Thank you!  I love it, too!”  Oh, this is the best kind – mutual appreciation.  Now everyone feels good.

Remember to Do It Like a Girl!  Lift up someone today by accepting their appreciation and graciously receiving their compliment.

A good compliment lifts a person’s spirits. Giving a compliment comes easily and naturally for some people and it feels difficult and awkward for others. It is simply a skill that takes practice to develop.

Here are some tips:

1.  Pay Attention. The first step is to take notice of other people. Notice how they look and how they make you feel. Pay attention to what they say.

2.  Be Specific. People like to be known and seen. A powerful compliment is specific, not general. Consider the impact. “You’re awesome” doesn’t compare to “You are so organized and I know I can always count on you.”

3.  Be Genuine. A compliment should always be genuine and authentic. Look for what you honestly like about a person. Tell the truth.

4.  Be Generous. Giving a compliment is inherently a generous practice. Don’t use this as an opportunity to compare behavior that you like to behavior that you don’t. Keep your compliments clean and avoid offering them with corrections and comparisons. “I like your hair this color so much better than red” is actually an insult, not a compliment.

5.  Acknowledge. The most powerful compliments acknowledge who a person is and who they are becoming. Use this language, “You are…”

6.  Champion. Be a cheerleader. Let people know that you believe in them. Use this language, “I know …”

7.  Be Concise. A compliment can lose it’s impact if it is surrounded by explanations and justifications. Keep it brief, simple and direct.

8.  Let it Land. Don’t rush to the next thing. Allow your compliment to be received. Generally people will say, “Thank you.” Sometimes a person will push a compliment away by belittling themselves or minimizing their contribution. Gently repeat the compliment.

9.  Practice. Practice giving AND receiving compliments. Give at least 5 compliments every day. When someone gives you a compliment, simply say, “Thank you.”

If you want something done, ask a happy, busy person to do it for you!

You all know this girl (in fact, you probably ARE this girl) who seems to get more done than everyone else and always seems happy about it.  Sure, she’s busy and optimistic.  But, really, doesn’t anything bad ever happen to her?  Doesn’t she ever have a bad day?  The answer is YES!

The difference is that positive people don’t wallow around in their problems or spend a lot of time worrying about (and complaining about) things that they can’t do anything about.  They find what they can do and they do it.  When presented with a problem, they look for the solution.  What’s that quote?

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

I had to look it up.  I didn’t just know it.  Even though, if I didn’t tell you, you’d probably think I did.  A productive person goes and finds the answer – now.  She knows that “one day” is not a day of the week and she knows that the only time she has is NOW.  She doesn’t have any more hours in the day than any one else.

She doesn’t have to sacrifice her family, her relationships or her self care routines in order to be productive. In fact, she is probably better at keeping up with those things, finds time to play games with her kids, connect with her husband, travel and go out with her girlfriends.

She likely manages her time with a structure, whether it be a calendar or a planner or a “tickler file” (that one is for you, Tera McHugh).  Talk about it and it is a fantasy, schedule it and it becomes a reality.  I tell people all the time, “I just do what my calendar says.”  If my calendar says that it’s time to workout, well… I’m going to go work out.  If my calendar says it’s time to make follow up calls, then that’s what I do.  If I run into a conflict or I don’t feel like it, I move it to a more convenient time.  I don’t cancel!

Being positive and productive is a choice.  It is simply a set of habits that get repeated over and over again.  It doesn’t mean you won’t have problems and that you won’t have bad days.  It does mean that you (and everyone around you, for that matter) will feel a whole lot better about it.