Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

If you want to jump off a bridge, call a therapist.  If you want to cross a bridge, call a coach.

People, including a lot of coaches and therapists, don’t really know what the differences are between coaching and therapy.  In my opinion, there are many reasons that there is so much confusion.  The main reason that I think there is so much confusion is because there is very little regulation on what coaching actually is and many untrained and uncertified coaches don’t necessarily appreciate or respect the boundaries of coaching.  In addition to that, therapy has changed dramatically in the past 20 years.  Therapy is rarely the “lie on the couch and tell me your feelings” experience that it once was stereotyped as.

So what is coaching and what is therapy?  This is such a great question that The International Coach Federation in Los Angeles hosted a program led by coaches and therapists to discuss it this week.  And, guess what?  To many of the participants, the differences between coaching and therapy are very unclear.

The primary distinction between coaching and therapy used to be this imaginary line on the horizon called functionality.  Ten years ago, everything below the line (the land of disfunction) belonged in the realm of therapy and everything above the line (functionality) belonged to coaching.  So, clearly, depression and any diagnosable therapeutic conditions require a therapist.  Just as clearly, goal setting, visioning and self actualization was the work of a coach.  Another clear distinction was that therapy dealt with the past to the present and coaching only concerned itself with the present to the future.

Here’s what’s happened though.  Therapy has evolved into the realm of positive psychology and human development, which was previously exclusively the work of a coach.  And coaching has evolved into the realm of feelings and overcoming fears which dangerously treads on the boundaries of therapy.

Additionally, while therapy is highly regulated, coaching is not.  The International Coach Federation offers regulation, certifies coaches and accredits schools to train coaches in 11 Core Competencies with supervision.  But there are many, many people calling themselves coaches that have no training outside of their life or their professional experience.  So, now we have marketing coaches, business coaches, peak performance coaches, executive coaches, grief coaches, eating disorder coaches, and everything in between.  The business coaches don’t cause as much trouble in this conversation as the life and lifestyle coaches.  Most of the time business and executive coaches don’t offer coaching around feelings and personal issues that would overlap with therapy.  But grief coaches and eating disorder coaches are definitely dancing a fine line between coaching and therapy.  And most clients eventually ask their coach to work with them in some capacity in the realm of past hurts and unresolved issues that formed current belief systems.

An ironic distinction is that in order to identify a client with an eating disorder or depression or something like that, you actually need to be a therapist.  Coaches are unqualified to diagnose or treat anything.  Professional coaches have to be very clear about their boundaries and limitations and when to refer to a therapists.  Likewise, it is unprofessional and unethical for therapists to call themselves coaches unless they have been trained in coaching tools.

The bottom line for clients:

• Work with the professional that you think you need
• Make sure that the professional you work with is certified or holds the proper credentials

The bottom line for coaches:

• Understand and know your professional boundaries.  You can find ICF’s Ethical Guidelines here.
• If you aren’t already, get certified.
• Develop professional relationships with other coaches and therapists and continue this conversation.
• When in doubt, refer it out!

A good compliment lifts a person’s spirits. Giving a compliment comes easily and naturally for some people and it feels difficult and awkward for others. It is simply a skill that takes practice to develop.

Here are some tips:

1.  Pay Attention. The first step is to take notice of other people. Notice how they look and how they make you feel. Pay attention to what they say.

2.  Be Specific. People like to be known and seen. A powerful compliment is specific, not general. Consider the impact. “You’re awesome” doesn’t compare to “You are so organized and I know I can always count on you.”

3.  Be Genuine. A compliment should always be genuine and authentic. Look for what you honestly like about a person. Tell the truth.

4.  Be Generous. Giving a compliment is inherently a generous practice. Don’t use this as an opportunity to compare behavior that you like to behavior that you don’t. Keep your compliments clean and avoid offering them with corrections and comparisons. “I like your hair this color so much better than red” is actually an insult, not a compliment.

5.  Acknowledge. The most powerful compliments acknowledge who a person is and who they are becoming. Use this language, “You are…”

6.  Champion. Be a cheerleader. Let people know that you believe in them. Use this language, “I know …”

7.  Be Concise. A compliment can lose it’s impact if it is surrounded by explanations and justifications. Keep it brief, simple and direct.

8.  Let it Land. Don’t rush to the next thing. Allow your compliment to be received. Generally people will say, “Thank you.” Sometimes a person will push a compliment away by belittling themselves or minimizing their contribution. Gently repeat the compliment.

9.  Practice. Practice giving AND receiving compliments. Give at least 5 compliments every day. When someone gives you a compliment, simply say, “Thank you.”

Download “The Mindset of a Leader” – 60 minute Inspirational Audio

1. Listen. There are 3 Levels of Listening.  Listen to what you are saying and what you are thinking.  Listen to what other people are saying and what they aren’t saying.  Listen to what’s going on in the environment.  This is the place to access your intuition.  Remember that communication is only 7% words.  Communication is also 38% tonality and 55% body language.  Really hear what people are saying.
2. Be intentional. For every activity and interaction, leaders have an intended impact and outcome.  Impact is how you want to feel or make others feel.  Outcome is what you want to do or inspire others to do.
3. Follow your urges. Everything serves.  Say what you’re thinking.  Follow your intuition and your impulses.  Stop worrying about what other people think.
4. Take responsibility for your impact. Stay.  Realize that following your urges might make a mess.  Stick around and clean it up.  Don’t blame others for misinterpreting you.  The arguements, “But, that’s not what I said!” or “That’s not what I meant” are ways of blaming others.  Take responsibility for your part.
5. Build rapport. You can lead people anywhere you want if you first meet them where they are.  The #1 Most Important Communication Tool is “What I love about that idea…”  Try it.  Sometimes you don’t know “what you love about that idea.”  Just say the words and see what comes out of your mouth.
6. Assume full permission. Leaders don’t wait for someone else to go first or for permission to do things.  Leaders assume that they have permission and act accordingly.
7. Decide and take action. Make mistakes.  Not making a choice is a choice.  Don’t let fear of making a mistake or not doing it exactly right stop you from taking action.  Do something!
8. Fail & Recover. When you make decisions and take action, you will make mistakes.  Learn from what happens, adjust and move forward.
9. Be Flexible. Success is tied closely to flexibility.  Let go of the rules that you have and how you think it’s supposed to look.  Make an intention and keep trying things until you get there.  Make a commitment to the outcome, but let go of attachment to the path you need to take to get there.
10. Have a coach. All successful people have some sort of coach.  There are coaches available for every situation and every budget.  You can’t see what you don’t know that you can’t see.  Get a coach to help you take your life to the next level.  PS  There is always a next level.
11. Have a powerful peer group. You are the sum total of the 5-7 people who you spend the most time with.  What areas of your life do you want to improve?  Improve your peer group in that area.
12. Model success. Don’t re-create the wheel.  Find someone who is getting the results you want to be getting and do what they are doing.

Bonus:

1. Find the opportunity in every difficulty and every challenge. Successful people still have problems.  They just have really good quality problems.  Welcome problems and challenges.  Get curious.  Find the learning (a coach can help) and find the opportunity.
2. Be unreasonable. Who cares if it makes sense?  Be totally unreasonable.  Be ridiculous.  Here is a place of full permisison.  What other people think about you should be no concern of yours.  If you want something to put your attention on, start caring about what YOU think about you.

Life coaches are having a different kind of conversation with people, one designed to help you be present and live a fulfilling and balanced life. In order to do that, coaches often say and do weird things:

1. Ask you what you really want. Most people have no idea what they really want. What do you really want?
2. Celebrate your failures. Congratulations! You just found one more way that it doesn’t work. What did you learn and what do you want to do now?
3. Encourage you to feel your feelings rather than run from them, hide them or fix them.
4. Ask you to check in with your body. You’ve got a body and it has wisdom. It’s time to listen.
5. Ask you to explore different perspectives. It may not always feel like it, but you always have choices. What are you choosing?
6. Celebrate your successes. This is actually harder for most people than celebrating their failures. Stop for a minute and bask in the glow of your brilliance. You deserve it!
7. Challenge your limiting beliefs. A coach specifically listens for what you are saying and what you are not saying. You may have beliefs or rules that you make up but that aren’t necessarily true. Your coach will bring these things to your awareness.
8. Follow the path of most resistance. A coach might ask you, “What don’t you want me to know about this?” There is a lot of learning and a lot of freedom in exploring the things you hide.
9. Interrupt your stories. While most coaches love a good story, they really want to know “what’s the point?” Who you are and who you are becoming are even more interesting than your stories.
10. Hold you as creative, resourceful and whole. You are not broken and you do not need to be fixed. You are capable of dealing with everything in your life and you hold the answers. Your coach believes in you even more than you believe in yourself. You can do it! You are destined for greatness!

Carrie Kish is a life coach who believes that you are destined for greatness! For more information, visit www.CarrieKish.com or call 661.255.2100.